Instructions for giving your cat a pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right
forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's
mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while
holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth,
pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth
and swallow.

2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind
sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.


3.  Retrive cat from bedroom, and throw soggy
pill away.

4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in
left arm holding rear paws tightly with left
hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of
mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for
a count of 10.

5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from
top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
knees, holding front and rear paws.  Ignore low
growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold cats
head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden
ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub
cat's throat vigorously.

7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another
pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler
and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered
figurines from hearth and set to one side for
gluing later.

8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie
on cat with its head just visible from below
spouse's armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking
straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and
blow down drinking straw.

9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
humans, drink glass of water to take taste away.
Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove
blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10.  Retriev cat from neighbor's shed.  Get
another pill.  Place cat in cupboard and close
door onto neck to leave head showing.  Force
mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down
throat with elastic band.

11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door
back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and
check records for date of last tetnus shot.
Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from
bedroom.

12.  Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree
across the road. Apologize to neighbor who
crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.

13.  Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with
garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
table.  Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.
Force cat's mouth open with small spanner.  Push
pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
steak.  Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of
water down throat to wash pill down.

14.  Get spouse to drive you to emergency room;
sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and
forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.
Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new
table.

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